You ever have one of those moments, where you see something or notice something that causes a flood of memories to come back to you? I was cleaning under my bed yesterday, which is a task in itself. I don't think I've clean under there in a year, but cleaning aside, I just started pulling out random things that had somehow made it under my bed. Some video tapes with Biography episodes on them, two E.T. dolls I don't have room for, and some notebooks from past classes I didn't throw away. I was leafing through one of the notebooks when a picture fell out of the back of it. I picked it up and flipped it over and staring back at me was Becky. She was probably fifteen or sixteen at the time and it was a track picture she had given me. I had almost forgotten I even had it, but there it was. I just sat there on the floor of my room, staring at it. She looked so beautiful in it. With her short hair, looked like it was blond, her glowing eyes, and that smile that had so many times warmed my heart. Just staring at that picture all these memories flooded back to me. All the time was had spent together. The walk we took around the neighborhood. We talked about everything. The day we worked together during the can food drive for Madame's french class and even the first time I met her. I realized that I really miss her. I knew I did, but I just never said it out loud. I've missed her ever day since she went into the Air Force and I know that I'm going to continue to miss her.
What makes me miss her that much more is the fact that I never got to be with her. Never knew the touch of her hand, her kiss, her looking at me and knowing that she feels the same way about me that I do about her, and being able to tell her that I love her. I would give anything to be able to fill this emptiness that I have in my heart. I've lived with it for so long, that I seem to have gotten use to it. Use to waking up every morning, knowing that she's walking up next to someone else. Someone that does things that hurt her over and over again. Knowing this and still wishing that she finds happiness, even if it means that she'll be happy with someone else and not me. You have no idea how much that hurts, but I know that it's not going to go away, it's mine for life. Cause you don't ever really get over the first person you fall in love with. That person, no matter how far away they are, will always have a piece of your heart and in the case of Becky, well she's got a very big part of my heart.
That picture's not under my bed anymore. It's now just one more thing that reminds me of her. I thought that maybe if I wrote all this down, it would make me feel better. Well, it didn't. I guess there's really nothing I can do. Just keep that picture with me. Cherish the memories I have of her and try my best to move on. Maybe I'll see her again sometime. Until then, I just have to get up every morning, breath in and out, and live as best I can.